Finally. After 15 days, I'm starting to feel a little more normal. I've got something that sorta resembles a brain. I've got an attention span. Vocabulary. Conversation skills. Emotions (where the heck were those?) and feelings and thoughts and even a few goals.
But, I also have some regrets. Quite a few, actually. I did a few things to some people in the past eight or nine months that I'm not proud of. When I look back at my blase attitude toward certain people and situations, I wish it could've been different. I treated some people very poorly. I took advantage of some friendships, and I lost a few that were invaluable to me.
There are a few friends that I really miss, and wish things could be different with them. A few that I truly valued their friendship, and I blew it. If I could somehow make things better, I would. In a heartbeat. I felt connections to some of these people that made me consider them my family. I wish just a simple sorry would fix it all, but I know better. I know that there is no chance with them.
There are a few that I definitely will not miss, and my only regret is not telling them how I felt about our friendships at the time. A few that took advantage of me over the years, and I was too afraid of confrontation, too afraid to hurt their feelings, to tell them exactly how I felt. But now, looking back at that, it would've been a waste of time. Some people will never change, no matter what.
And then, there are the few I'll cherish for the rest of my life. Some new and old friends that offered love, support, guidance, advice, alcohol (when needed), and more. Their actions and their words showed me what it's like to have true friends. People there with you through thick and thin. It's a good feeling to know someone has your back like that. And I hope they know that if they ever need someone to have their back, I'll be first in line.
This experience has opened my eyes to a lot in myself. I've really grown a lot through all of this, and hopefully people will be able to see the changes in me. I feel like a refurbished me. Not completely new, I still need my experiences and my quirks to make me me, but a shinier, fresher me. Even this Portland weather can't get me down (although, i will admit that we've had pretty consistent sunshine for the past 10 days or so).
I want to clarify that I'm not writing this post looking for sympathy or pity. I'm also not expecting it to make things better with my old pals. This experience has been very humbling and eye opening for me, and I wanted to share it with others. It's a partial explanation for those whom I wasn't able to give it to when they asked. It's a reminder for myself, of what I lost, and what I need to do to not lose big like that again. It's also a big thank you to a certain few. Without your love and support, I don't know that I would've made it though this.
Happy Birthday, E! I hope you love your Monkey cake.
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